he needs space/she needs affection

[Jamie]

i know PLENTY of ladies have gone through this. in any shape or form. and i figure since i'm going through something like this that i should share a bit and have other ladies share their stories and how they also handled it...

pretty much derrick needs some space. he wants me to move out of our apartment. he wants to live on his own. he isn't happy. and me...well i just want a little more love. i want him to hold me at night like he used to. i feel like we're far apart even sitting next to each other on the couch. i want a text message in the middle of the day to know he's thinking about me.

i want us to be happy again and he does too, we just have completely opposite views on how we can reach that point again.

so what has happened to you and what have you done to find a compromise? how do you handle when your SO needs space and at the same time you want to be closer?

[ReginaCherie]

i cant say that ive really been there. cause when i wanted to be closer to scott it was when he was in a rehab unit because he hurt his back.

i wanted him to call me at least once a week. i didnt see that as really hard. he had his cell phone and he had sunsdays and most nights off. and he just never called. he lived 3 hours away and i heard from him like once every 2 or 3 weeks. it was hard.

honestly i didnt deal well. i started going out with friends and drinking everynight. and that started more problems. he didnt want me going out. but i was tired of sitting at home waiting to see if he was going to call.

there was one sun that i went down to see him with his dad and we just talked. the next day we broke up. he wanted different things then me. that was really hard. (i was at disney land with my family when he called) we didnt talk for about a month. then over labor day weekend he was home. and on sunday he put up a bulliten about a bbq they were having and everyone should come. welli thought about it all day and ended up going. he wasnt there when i got there so i was hanging out with his little brother. well anyways. we desided that night that we would try to work it out but wouldnt be boyfrined and girlfriend just yet....

well a month later i found out i was preganat. right after new years we broke up again. he wasnt ready to grow up and i wasnt going to have him treated me or my baby like we only matter when it was good for him. we didnt get back together till rylie was 13 months old.

it just took sometime for him to grow up, know what he wants in life.

i think thats why i always say that boys just take longer to grow up and want to settle down.

sorry that was really long and i dont really think it has anything to do with what you said but yea.

[KristiMarie]

ughhh girl. Im going through this right now with JM... but its hard hes in Iraq.


He got mad at me cause every time hes online I try to talk to him, and apparently he has stuff to get done and doesnt want me trying to talk to him all the time (i realize a lot has happened over there in the last 3 weeks, IED explosions and suicides mainly). So I still get online every day and write on his facebook or myspace and let him know how much I love him... but its hard. He gets online and I dont talk to him on msn unless he talks to me first :( I hate it. I have not heard my husband say I LOVE YOU in 3 weeks :(

[Jamie]

regina- DEF has something to do with it. like i said, it comes in all forms. and you're right, it seems like boys take longer to figure things out. they act like they've got all their shit together but when it comes down to it...they freak out. and blame the girl. stupid.

kristi- i can't stand waiting around for his text or call or whatever. up until two weeks ago we would text eachother all day. about the most random crap. and now...nothing. it's terrible.

i don't want to move out. i really really don't. i personally think we can figure things out living together. but apparently he KNOWS that won't work. it's just so frustrating. i want to give up sometimes but no way. he's the most important person in my life and his happiness means everything to me. so crap.

[Meredith]

I agree that it takes guys longer to grow up. The stories I hear about Mike from his family and his friends almost amaze me because I never knew that guy. His friends are always really surprised when they meet me, like I'm not what they expected for the girl that settled Mike down.

Mike and I do pretty ok but we all have our moments and Jamie, I think as hard as it is you're doing the right thing. Right after our wedding in December Mike was being a straight up ass hole and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Well I finally dragged it out of him, he was upset he didn't get to spend more time with his family because the wedding meant a lot of time in NJ. So basically I told him the next time he has an issue he just needs to out and say it. After that I went down stairs and left him in my room until he was ready to come down and be civil again. Sometimes they just need time to themselves to sort out whatever it is that's bothering them. Some time it's more time than others. And I know it's really hard to leave them alone. All I ever want to do is cuddle him!

Hang in there hun, relationships are hard, but like you said that's what makes them worth the world!

[Jamie]

it's funny...
ALL of derrick's friends expected him to settle down first. all the guys he'd go out with would have one night stands and all this other stuff while he had...well more respect for women. ANYWAYS, now ALL of his friends...and i mean all the ones i know of and have met are all married or engaged...so it's a little weird.

i just don't want to give in sometimes. it sometimes feels like i have given him everything he has ever asked for, but when i need somethng, he can't give it to me. oye.

[Meredith]

Girl I think we all know that feeling! Especially with the military we always let them get away with wayyyy more than they should. And we bend our own feelings to let them get away with things reg civ guys wouldn't get away with for shit.

[Jamie]

hey, but atleast we have something to blame it on! it's the military's fault.

[KristiMarie]

hey, but atleast we have something to blame it on! it's the military's fault.



sooooooooooooooooo true. Im sorry the texting has stopped honey. I really am, not talking is the worst. The days I don't hear from JM kill me. I literally have such a hard time dragging myself out of bed in the mornings when I dont get woken up at some early god awful hour from him. Its a big adjustment, before he deployed i woke up every night and fell asleep with my webcam on and him on the other side. keep you chin up!

[Lana]

I'm glad you're back, but I hate the reason why. :( I wish I could say something that would make this feel better or even make you understand. But unfortunately I don't even understand. I do agree the military does this. They know they can get away with it when they're in and so we let them because we don't have the heart to be mad at them (well...VERY mad at them) when they're overseas and so they take advantage of that.

I know you've probably done everything you can think to talk to him and try to get him to understand... but it's a double edged sword. He'll be mad when you don't give him space but it's possible he'll walk away if he gets too much. :( I hate this pretty girl, I wish I could fix it for you.

[Jamie]

i'm hoping this fixes it. it's hard as all freakin hell, but whatever.

and don't hate the reason why i am back!!! i need to be back, i should have never left. it's really hard to pick things back up...like so much has happened in the last three months, i wish i had just stayed around so i didn't have to explain myself. but you all always understand...he was distracting. i adored every moment with him...but i guess now he's sick of me.

[Lana]

He is not sick of you! He's confused and he's never had to live on his own so he's doing the "grass is greener" thing - but just wait. Once you're gone, he's going to wish you were back with him and doing everything for him again. He'll get sick of being on his own. Boys are fickle.

[Jamie]

i sure hope so. and i hope it's before i move EVERYTHING lol

[Danie]

Boys can be dumb. And I am serious. I hope he grows up soon!

Evan and I were on seperate coasts for the first year of our marriage. I was very difficult. When he finally moved into 'my' appartment, things were very awkward and frustrating. We finally figured out some normalcy and got a routine in place. The important thing for us was to continue to spend time with our friends so we weren't tired of being near one another. It worked well. It was different for us because we were both in the Navy and our friends were military... so I don't know how it is for you. I am getting a taste of it now... I have few friends and my family. Sometimes I am ok with that, but there are times when I want a night out with the girls... if I had any!

[Jamie]

i can't even begin to explin to you how awkward it is to go out and 'find friends' and friendfinder.com is NOT what you might think it is...lol

i wish he and i were able to try to work things out living together but making a point to have our individual life. but i guess that just doesn't work for some people.

[Tissa]

When things were bad between my hubby and I back when we were dating. I started taking Martial Arts. Now Martial Arts may not be the right thing but go take a class in something you've always wanted to do. And make sure its something that he's not into, just to get your mind off of him for a little while. You may also make some friends...

If he's the right guy he'll snap out of it at some point. Back when my hubby and I were dating we moved in together, then 6 or 7 months later he moved out, neither of us were ready. It was a really rough period but I kept telling myself that if he was the one then we would make it through. And we did. So keep busy and don't worry he'll come around.

[littleurban]

I came out of a 5yr relationship last August, and we def. have had a moment where I needed space.

It was near our 3yr mark and I don't know how to explain it...it's like I woke up and thought to myself you know what I need some space from you. We did see each other everyday and if we weren't together we most likely doing some form of communication.
I knew that I loved him, I just--even to do this day I can't explain it--It's like I wanted nothing to do with him.

I can understand where the both of you are coming from. I was a complete B*tch to Mark and the best thing that he did was let me have my space--which I know was SO hard for him to do. He always did little things so I would know that he was still here for me..like leave me notes on my car door or call me/text once in awhile but waited for me to initate the next step: actually doing something together.

It was a faze that I went through (I guess you could say) It made me realize how much I wanted to be with him and about 3 months later we were back together and happier than ever...and stayed together for another 2 yrs.

I know that is SO hard to do but is the best thing that you can do as a couple. I know for Mark he took up photography again.

I'm here if you need to talk :)

[Jamie]

it's VERY NICE to hear the OTHER side of the story, gives a better understanding of it.

my mom is currently going through a divorce with my stepdad and she told me the best thing i can do is give him the space he wants. she said her husband didn't give her any space when she needed it and it just made everything worse.

so i can get it, i just hope he gets my side, too.

[littleurban]

I'm sure he understands where you are coming from. I think for me anyways I knew how much we loved each other and exactly how Mark felt about me and about the idea that I needed space. It was also nice to hear it again (coming from his mouth) not just a I know how you feel but him actually saying it. It's hard to understand what goes on in our minds! LOL it's just a feeling off ah!! and like I said I was rude little b*tch about everything.

I hope things work out with you two!!!!!!! he will come around!!!

[Jamie]

i sure hope so. just trying to figure out how to handle it.

it's hard when you think you're giving the pther persn everything they need and your needs aren't getting met because...well whatver. you all know.

[Christy]

I think that is part of the problem with me and Jason. All my friends are married and have their own lives with their kids and stuff and he has his Army friends. We don't really spend anytime apart. We are always together. We go to his Moms house together, we go to the corner bar, together, we do everything together and I really think that is a major part of it, but like I said, it's hard because all my friends are married with kids and then that leaves me. I think that might be why he said he loves me, but isn't in love with me because he doesn't know what it's like to not have me because we are together all the time. He doesn't know what it's like to come home to me after a night out with the guys because it doesn't happen. Last week his friend from work Doug called him up and said, hey do you wanna go to the Icehouse and he asked me if I wanted to go and I was like, no, you go ahead and go. Have some guy time and he was like are you sure and I was like yes, because you need that stuff too. I just hope that giving Jason this space he wants is the right thing to do. It's killing me to know that he's not coming home to our bed every night. It sucks. I just hope it's the right thing to do. ugh, so frustrating. Boys are lame!

[Jamie]

agreed. when ever we got to derrick's parent's in PA and his friends call him up to hang out, i hardly ever go. i want him to have his time. unless you know it's like a double date thing. but when it's just going out, i don't NEED to be there with him. i want to respect his space. i know there are sometimes [if i had friends...] i'd want to go out with them without D. and also i see other's relationships and how girls DESTROY THEM by always needing to be with the boyfriends always texting them, where are you and giving them like curfews. i believe giving them space is also letting them know that you are respecting them, you showing you trust them. it's more than just leaving them alone. and guy's need that.

but yes. boys are totally lame.