Bad wife?

[ashandbrons]

Ok I hope this doesn't get too long. I would love opinions at the end so please let me know what you think!

My hubby and I met in school (MOS training school in the AF) and we where married 7 months later. We have been married for 3 years now and this has been the best 3 years of my life!! He is my best friend, my lover, my everything! I never knew I could love someone as much as I love him! A lot of people said when we first got married that it wouldn't work and everyday I love proving them wrong! Well I love my husbands family and I am sure that they "like" me but that is where it starts and ends. They had different plans for there son and marrying me was not one of them. He has made some life choices separate from what they feel he should have made. He has 4 sisters and the one can do no wrong. We will call her sister S.

Well we where married, by a JP in May of 2006 and had our big wedding in June 2006. My family and his family came out to the wedding in NC. Not a lot of people came because we are both from opposite side of the country. It was basically immediate family. His grandparents came! That was so wonderful! Well it has since then been 3 years and his parents have come out Dad (once) and mom (twice) since then. They both came out for the birth of our son and his mom came 2 months later to see out little guy. We have gone out there about 3 or 4 times since we have been married. # of his sisters are not married and do not have any children. Sister S is married and has 3 children and 1 on the way. Well his parents keep asking us if we are going out there this year. I and Hubby have decided....no we are not. We are sick of always being the ones to go out there to visit. Hubby is coming home from a deployment and our son is going to need an adjustment period and we want to have just family time. We have told them numerous times that they are more then welcome to come and visit us!! All of them are welcome!! We are always being told no because of this or that. MIL has a bad back and I understand that but she drives 4 hours to see sister S so why can't she direct flight 4 hours to come see Bryson?!?!?! I really want my son to get to know his grandparents because they are so important!!! But I am sick of always being the ones to go out there esp. traveling with a 2 year old is going to be such a struggle when most of the sisters don't have any children!!!! Here is where it becomes tricky! My hubby deployed I decided to move home for the 6 months so we could pay off some debt and save some money. My parents have been out to NC quite a few times and we have come here as well. Well I wanted to stay with my parents because they are my parents, I would just feel awkward staying with hubby's parents. While here I have been going to school fulltime and working so I didn't have any free time to go visit them and plus if I was going to go I would want Hubby to go with me!! I think that they are hurt by this and I understand. I feel bad because my parents got my son for 6 months and they didn't. It eats at me everyday. But its like they have put our son on the back burner since day 1 and I don't think that is right! They never miss any part of sister S's kids lives and they are there all the time!! It makes me so sad! So what would you do in this situation?! Would you go and see them even though you are very hurt and angry inside because no one ever wants to come see you or would you make it a point that we are not the only ones who are going to do the traveling. I don't want my husband to feel like I am pushing his family away. I love him and his family and I just want him to be happy. His opinion is we need to just stay home with all the changes that will be happening. None the less since my Hubby has been deployed he has gotten 1 package and 5 letters from them!!!!!!!!!! He has been gone almost 6 months!!!!!!!! HE IS YOUR ONLY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart breaks just siting here writing this! SO what do you girls think??

One last vent: Please don't think I am an awful person for this. Before Hubby was going to deploy we wanted to start to try for another. Well he ended up deploying and we didn't get preggers. Well I guess I feel that family should be more considerate of your feelings, more so then a stranger who doesn't really know you from Joe. Well about a month in I get a phone call from sister S saying how excited she was because she was PREGNANT!!! I know she was just excited but it stung a little because I wanted that! She is lucky her hubby is home and they are able to do everything they want! My hubby, YOUR BROTHER is fighting so you and your family have the freedom to do what you want!!!!!!!!!! So please tone it down a little!! Well anyways I was upset but I went about my day anyways. Well she currently has 2 boys and 1 girl and Hubby really wants a girl next and it would be nice to have another girl in the family. SO I get another call today......she is having another GIRL! SO there I am again feeling the same way I did in the first place! This time though she was not very nice and didn't really want to talk. SO I once again faked my excitement and got off the phone. Gosh I am such an awful person! I should feel happy for her and happy that I am going to be an aunt to a niece! It is just so hard. I guess it is something I need to pray about! If you got through all of this you are the best!! Ok I think I am done! Thanks for reading.

[KristiMarie]

Have you tried telling his family this??? I mean tell them that you chose to go home to YOUR parents because well they are YOUR mom and dad. I understand they are your inlaws too, but still, not the same people who gave birth to you. Explain to them you were busy with school and didnt have time to visit them. They are CIVIS, I dont expect them to understand wanting "alone time" to adjust after a deployment. They cant and never will know what you just went through. All you can do is try to explain your reasoning behind your actions. If they get mad, oh well, let them. You have to do what is best for you!

[ReginaCherie]

honey i know how you feel. ive been going through this with scotts mom for a while now. ive only seen his mom once since scott left.

shes never really treated me very well and would even give rylie the time of day till we got a perterenty test done. and even for some time after that. i mean come one the test said that the chance that rylie is scotts kid is 98.95% or something like that..

anyways my point is that i know how you feel. and no you are not a horible person. i would say try talking to them. but in know if it were me i wouldnt so i got nothing. im here if you just need to talk.

[ashandbrons]

Have you tried telling his family this??? I mean tell them that you chose to go home to YOUR parents because well they are YOUR mom and dad. I understand they are your inlaws too, but still, not the same people who gave birth to you. Explain to them you were busy with school and didnt have time to visit them. They are CIVIS, I dont expect them to understand wanting "alone time" to adjust after a deployment. They cant and never will know what you just went through. All you can do is try to explain your reasoning behind your actions. If they get mad, oh well, let them. You have to do what is best for you!

We have tried mentioning it to them once and it was this huge family fight and it was just awful. I don't think they see the error of there ways! Its really sad. I mean we are in no way perfect!! But we want what is best for our son. Being a family and together is that!

[ashandbrons]

Regina...I am so sorry you are going through it as well! That must be awful for her to be like that! (((HUGS))). I wish things could be different for both of us!!

[ReginaCherie]

i hope things get better. honestly scott has told me not even to talk to her. so i dont really unless its something really impotant.

but you have to do whats best for your son. i complety understand that you need to just be each other when he comes home. i think alot of deployments need that time. i know we will.

[Meredith]

In laws can be a major pain in the ass!! Mine are generally really awesome....a year and a half ago (before Mike and I were married and he was in Iraq) his sister told me his mom was concerned about not seeing our kids....WHAT KIDS?! WE'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED YET!? I was like damn...could we get married and pregnant first before people start getting upset about not seeing the "kids"?? lol Anyway I have similiar issues with Mike's mom, I understand she doesn't make a lot of money but she could make more of an attempt to come see her son! His dad just came out in May....it was the first time he's been visited by ANYONE other than me before we were living together!! I don't know I'm with you I guess....it's hard to wrap your head around why when you make the effort to visit them they can't return the favor! Especially when you're talkin about cross country flights! It gets expensive!!

I'm sorry the last time you mentioned it, it cause a brawl. That's unfortunate but I think you're making the right decision. Eventually maybe they'll realize they're being unfair now that you're not as willing to pick up everything and head out to them. I'm glad your hubby is on your side! That's always a plus!!

[ashandbrons]

It sounds like we are all mostly going through kinda the same stuff! Mere I feel for ya because its like what do you do! There is always that fine line there and is it worth crossing?!?!?!

Thanks for all the replies girls! YOU ARE ALL THE BEST!

[Meredith]

I never know what lines to cross and when it comes to Mike's family (divorced parents) some times I just throw up my hands and say YOU deal with it! I feel bad they don't make the extra effort, but we only have so much money...so the best I can do is try to make up for it by loving on him extra :) I think when your husbands family realize they're seeing their grandson/nephew less often they'll realize how unfair they are being to you and your husband!

[ashandbrons]

Well he is almost 2 and I haven't seen it yet but maybe someday!! I have thrown my hands up and said that as well! I just don't know what to say sometimes! I make sure we send him a care package every week and we write him good morning e-mails everyday! If I go broke doing it, he will have a package from us!!!

[Meredith]

Right?! There are soooo many other things that are important! It's frustrating when they won't help you, help your son to know his family! Poo on them!! ...this is good. I found out after Mike got home that when his mom sent him care packages HE paid for them!! (she was his poa and he gave her permission to take money from his account for his own packages!!) HE LOVED mail...he gave me money to send him boxes but the small difference was I was a college student with no JOB! I couldn't believe it....it's hard to understand when it's not your own family I guess!

and PS YOU ARE NOT A BAD WIFE!! SILLY GIRL! You're doing what's right for you, your husband and your little guy...and they have to deal with that!

[ashandbrons]

Thanks!! I just hope that Hubby doesn't think that I only want to do things with my family! Gosh it is so hard!!

And WOW!!!! That is CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe that and yes you are right there is a big difference!! I guess in all actuality he pays for his packages because my pay check isn't much! But for a Mom to take her own sons money to send him mail!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!

[Meredith]

lol that's what I thought! And it's a little different when you're husband and wife! And I look at my mom and I'm like...if my brothers did what Mike did....holy cow my mom would be on them like white on rice the minute they set foot on American soil again! lol I think as long as you're making decisions together he won't see it that way! And as long as you communicate well (which it sounds like you do!) you'll be all set!

[ashandbrons]

Yup! We are very open with eachother! There is a lot of love!! I know what you mean! HUbby's parents did not even see him off and they are not coming for his homecoming!! Ya know! We really do put up with a lot!! We really do love our guys and we are all they need right!! I am just gonna keep telling myself that!!!! bahahaha

[Meredith]

That'a girl!! That's what I tell myself always!! And I'm tellin ya....gives you an excuse to love on him more than you already doo!! I always try to make him feel special with that stuff!

[Danie]

Evan and I have been married 7.5 years. We waited 4 years before we had Colton. After having Colton we made sure everyone understood that traveling to see everyone was going be harder and more expensive. As his parents we had to put our foot down on what we were going to do for our family. That is something we have learned over the years... It's also important for you to remember that you and your husband are a family now. I was lucky in the fact that Evan looked at it that way from the beginning. He didn't care how much his mom complained about his lack of communication with his mom, or how often he saw her/them. He was married, and had to build his future with his wife. I'm not sure if he ever had that conversation with her, but I know that he wasn't shy about expressing it that way. Now, he has a sister who has 3 girls. I only met his sister 4 times in the 7.5 years we've been married, but we talk on the phone. I think that having a talking relationship with IL is very important. It's hard sometimes, but it helps you get to know them, and vice-versa. Don't get me wrong, even now we are still having to put our foot down with the IL. Evan's mom likes to push her way into our decision making process. She will call to 'tell' Evan that she is coming out, and these are the days available, what works for us... I was livid. I have had to bring it to light in Evan's eyes that she doesn't give me the opportunity to be part of the decision, she expects Evan to say yes, and go on. Well, he saw how she is and finally told her, I'll talk to Danie and let you know. I think she's finally gotten the point. It takes consistency, mom's don't know how to let go sometimes, and I hate to say it, but I am sure we will have our own little thing we don't want to let go of as they get older! I hope that you can be strong, stand up for your family, and love them all the same. It's hard at times, but just remember they are a family unit also. Even if it is the SIL who is having another girl, she is sharing her excitement with you... that means something. Try not to look at what you are missing out on, she called to tell you... you mean something to her, otherwise, she wouldn't have called, and wouldn't have cared how you found out. As for the travel, I have gone MANY times to visit Evan's family when I didn't want to... but, if it's a family decision... stick to it. If he wants to go, support his decision, if he doesn't, support him again... as long as you and your husband are on the same page... don't worry about the IL... they will get over it, or lose out on something very important, and nothing you can do will make it any different. Grandparents are weird...

Hope that helped... Sorry it was so long!:nanypoo:

[Erin]

I am so with you! You know we moved home for this deployment, and we also lived at home when DH was in Korea. Lil M lived with, or very very close, to my parents from birth until 3 days after his 2nd birthday. DH's parents are in Cali and Texas, and havent had the chance to get to know him, or more importantly, he get to know them. DH's dad has flown out once to see us, and his mom hasn't yet but has plans to this summer. We've got to Cali 2 times, and we lived in Texas for a bit so we've been there a lot.

DH's sister is a really long story, but we have some issues there too. And MIL has custody of my nephew, so for a long time I felt put off that she had to be a mother, and wasnt able to be a grandmother.

If you want to go out there, then go! If you think it would be best to stay home, then stay home. DH always tells me that if his family wants to see the kids that they have the ability to get on a plane too.

I think it's really sad when families make big deals over who will visit whom. We moved away from my family when I was 7 and the rest of the family turned it into a big deal. Since we moved away they refused to visit us...we had to visit them. I just thought it was tacky, It's been 18 years and between the 3 families they may have visited a total of 5 times. We have visited twice a year, or more, every year. I love my familiy, but I've realized that I am not important enough for their time or money.

Sorry this turned into an essay...

[ashandbrons]

Thanks for all the advice girls!!! I think that we are going to just stay home! I think its what is going to be best for our family and thats all that matters! For once if people wanna see us then they can come see us!!!!

[Mary Cat]

The only thing you can do is talk to them. If they dont' want to listen to you and your husband, then screw them lol

It's hard but sometimes there's nothign you can do to change people's minds
I hope things get better for you hun :bighug: