my heart has just stopped

[~SaBrInA_lEiGh~]

bare with me this is way long

ok well the last few nights ive been really thinking alot about the path my life is on... with tim that is.. well ive talked alot to Gina and our friend liz lately about everything... since tim has cheated i havent been the same person i used to be the simplest things he does sends me over the edge and i am always feeling hurt and sorry for myself lately... well i know some of you dont understand how im feeling cause your men are gone and you never get to see them or talk to them like i do tim but for me honestly i feel invisable when im with him i mean the first day or two im there hes all cute and lovey dovey and then its like i mean nothing like i could have left with the baby without saying goodbye and he would have even noticed until the following morning when he realized hayden didnt wake him in the middle of the night.... not that he gets up anyway but still... so since ive been home ive noticed im having an ok day until i "talk" to him on the phone or computer... well the other day gina and liz told me in needed to go talk to him face to face and let him know how i really feel well i was planning to do that until yesterday... ill start off there......

ok yesterday the three of us girls deciced we wanted to go window shopping well we did and it was the first time i had my own opinion on clothes in a long long time i always ask everyone what they think about it and if they dont like it then i say i was just kidding like ive been afraid to be me... like im scarred i wont be liked well yesterday i "owned" me.... i was haveing a great time until tim called... the first time he called was to tell me he doesnt want to go active army now and he wants me to go active navy... witch is what i really wanted to do but his whole thing he kept saying was because he doesnt think i can make it through army bootcamp.... like he has no faith in me... well we lost service and i called him back when we got service and he made me feel so small like i can only be trusted if i put it on my son... well as you all know ive been busting my ass and working out and everything every night well he told me he didnt believe me unless i put it on hayden i did and he said good you need to keep doing it like it made me start to think the only reason i am doing it is to please him because i have a picture of the perfect girl for him in my head and im not her and im trying so hard to get there.... well i got so down and we had already had plans to drink so i stuck with them i hadnt even drank a full glass when he called and told me i better not get drunk and that if i do im a horrible mom cause i have to look out for the baby and all that shit.... well i couldnt handle it anymore the little tiny bit of good mood i had just went out the window... i got quiet let him belittle me somemore and just kept telling myself just wait to talk to him next week dont say it over the phone he wont see how serious you are... so when we got off the phone i sat there a while.. liz asked whats wrong and we started talking again about how i want to go to the navy but i like the physical challenge of the army and she said i should go navy and shell help me work out so that at the end of it i can be like i did it... i busted my ass and i feel great i didnt give up i need someone to encorage me and push me to do my best for me not tell me i better do it like im doing it for them.... then out of nowhere liz asked if i love him and before i even knew what was coming out of my mouth before i even thought about it i answered... "i used to"... when i heard myself say it i started crying really hard and i started trying to take it back and reword it to not sound that way but the more i talked to gina and liz i realized im living in the past im living hopeing that ill feel pretty in his eyes again that hell want to come home to me after work and just wrap his arms around me that hell want to take me to the party his friends thoughing to show me off and be proud im his, that hell smile when my ring tone goes off instead of answering it like im just calling to bug him that when we talk on the phone it wont be him cutting me off and having to go or him yelling at me because he thinks everything i say is a attack against him... i want all that again but we just dont have it anymore...i want to make it work i feel like im the only one trying that i am in a onesided marraige and that im not good enough for him to even try anymore... the last time we really talked it was him saying he missed the girl i was the one who always made him smile and the one who didnt care what people thought about her the one who would argue until you understand he point of veiw not nessaceraly changed yours to hers just understood hers the girl who stood up for herself and didnt back down... well i lost her i lost the confident girl i used to be when he cheated now im soo scarred to not say loose him but fail this marriage my sons family my life and i so dont want to prove my family right.... theyve said from the beggining that this was a mistake that he didnt love me the way i loved him or myself for that matter... its funny cause i dont even know where she went i dont remember being happy... i dont remember the last time i looked in a mirror and said i look beautiful... i dont remeber the last time i smiled a real true heartfelt smile except for when it comes to hayden....

i have soo little confidence in myself i feel like hayden doesnt want me i feel like im going to be my mom and not be there for him when he needs me most im so afraid hes going to resent me the way i do my mom...

i am so lost and so hurt that i am avoiding him at all cost i wont go on my myspace or on my email account because im not strong enough to ignore when he writes me... and i need to i need to figure out if i truely want to fix this anymore or if im doing it to prove everyone else wrong... im not sure anymore so im not going to be talking to him for a while to gather my thoughts and then decide that the talk were having next week is we need to fix this or i dont think this is working anymore...

im so lost and hurt right now that i dont know what to do... i dont know where to go or even how to feel... im just so..... i dont even know what i feel....

im sorry its so long and those of you who have stuck it out and read through it all thank you... i just needed to get it out and cry some more

[Cortnie DeNise]

If at all possible I think you should take some space away from everything. Maybe a weekend just to yourself so that you can clear your head and think about things. After you have head your space, talk with him one on one and see how he feels. If yall want to make it work yall can [[marriage counseling]]. Take some space, write your thoughts down, and then talk to him.:bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug:

[~SaBrInA_lEiGh~]

thanks im trying but i dont want him to get mad i am disappearing and at the same time i dont want to fight because im telling him i need space cause hes the type to push the issue and try to get me to tell him whats up and then somehow i always get twisted in every direction and in the end feel like im being stupid and hes right and not in the wrong at all.... like ive even begun thinking its my fault he cheated and i need to change to not have it happen again but i feel like shit i dont even know what to feel or how to feel

[Kira]

First :bighug:

Now I know I don't really know you and all but I understand your pain.

First thing's first before you can love him you need to love yourself. You need to be you, find yourself again. If you really want to go Army you can do it, don't just take the easy way out just because. Now if you really want to go navy then do it, because it is what you really want.

Two if you really want to work things out you should both seek counseling. You should also go individually and together.

I hope everything works out for you!! Be strong, be who you are no matter what!!

[~SaBrInA_lEiGh~]

i only want to go army cause the bootcamp is harder but everything else points navy you know... and im trying to find me again its just hard when i feel like hes always pushing and putting me down i feel like i will never be me again i dont know how to feel or what to think and i just want to cry all the time... i hate being like this but everytime i fell as though ive hit rock bottom he makes me feel even smaller like im not even a second class citizan in his eyes its like im completely invisable

[Kira]

You shouldn't feel that way at all. You should feel special, important and visable.

[Kristen]

aww hun I don't really know what to tell you, but I'm here if you need anything!

[Mouse]

Being in that kind of strained relationship is not healthy for you or the lil man. First thing is to take the time to figure out what is best for you and the baby. If this is worth fighting for it's going to take a good long time to rebuild the trust. If it's not it's going to take even longer to remember how to trust and support yourself.
I'm not saying go one way or the other. I'm just saying take the time to think things through and don't let him bully you into talking until you are ready.
If you need a sounding board or a dork to lean on just let me know and I'll help the best I can.

[~SaBrInA_lEiGh~]

thanks guys it really means alot im mean i feel like ive busted my ass when it comes to trying and hes just pushed it away... im not too sure what i want or how to feel but im going to try this weekend to think about me and my happiness and maybe when we get back ill be able to tell him whats up he asked me to go down and stay with him when i get back but i know its just a day or two until hes ready to be left alone again... im hoping that whatever decision i make doesnt screw me over and i need to know in my heart my sons going to be ok

[Belinda]

"ive even begun thinking its my fault he cheated"
...don't you even think that, babe. It is not your fault at all, and if he ever says that to you, I hope you smack him in the face, because it is a lie.
You need to decide what you want in your relationship, and what you need. And you need to figure out if you are getting what you need in this relationship. These things aren't one-sided. You're working your ass off for him, I can tell. He needs to do some work two, this is a relationship. That means two people. Two sides. And both need to make the effort.
And if he cannot make the effort to help fix things between you, you need to ask if it's really worth it. Because you deserve to be happy.

[Kathryn]

Okay first off..NO GUY has the right to be-little you in ANYTHING that you do. And Kira is right, you have to love yourself before you can even think about loving someone else(excpt your son of course). You need to be able to be strong for your baby. UGH I'm Sooo mad right now..lol I know exactly how you feel though. Lexie's dad, when I was with him, use to treat me like that. He made me loose all confidence I had for myself and made me feel so worthless. No woman deserves to be in a relatioshiip like that. I think you do need to take sometime to yourself..then talk to him about it. And you do need to talk to him about it..tell him everything that you told us..let him know how he is making you feel. If that doesn't change him then I don't know what will.

And you know what..if it doesn't work out(which I really hope it does), then you will be FINE..your son will be fine! Lexie's dad and I broke up when she was about 9 months old. She understands everything and is okay with it. I know it's not what you thought it would be but sometimes things don't turn out the way you thought they would but everything always works out in the end. :) Let me know if you need anything hunny!

[ReginaCherie]

oh honey. you know how i feel about this. and i really am sorry if im a bitch sometimes. but yea i think you need a break. from everything. not just tim...

no feel guilty!

i love you!

[Cortnie DeNise]

If you don't think that you will be able to get all the words out, and express yourself fully then I think you should write it in a letter and give it to him. He will find out one way or the other. Pray about it, and I still think that you should take time for yourself whether you talk to him face to face or you put it in a letter...you still need to think about it, and get an idea of what you're trying to say. Message me, buzz me on yahoo :)

[Armywm]

Yes that is the first thing you should do. Take some time away and just breathe, then look in the mirror and know you are worth a lot!

[a-m]

Brina. I'm so sorry sweetheart. Take your own advice, and stick with it! Keep a little space between you and him so you can figure out what it is you want a little more clearly. Take into consideration everything you two have been through, past feelings, current feelings, and your son. Don't concern yourself with proving people right or wrong. Because in the end, your happiness is not based on their satisfaction or dissatisfaction, ITS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BOY. And if you want to go Army, then do it. You have more than enough will power to, and inevitably, that's what it comes down to. Don't let Tim's or anyone else's negativity stop you from trying. Gather all your thoughts, sometimes writing them down and reading them over to yourself over and over again helps before the 'confrontation'. It helps you remember everything it is you wanted to say, especially when things get heated or emotional, because I know it's easy to forget at times like that. Talk to Tim, and when you do, pour your heart out to him. Tell him where it hurts, tell him your insecurities. Don't hold back, and don't be afraid to upset him. You can't make everybody happy all the time. Sometimes you gotta say things that are brutally honest. I know you have the strength to do this! Keep your head up, dear! We're all here for you if you need anything at all!

[KristiMarie]

Figure out what is best for you girl! Then talk to him about it! Love you keep your head up!

[Lisa]

S- I not only read your post but I read everyone elses and here's my honest opinion: If you're going to take this weekend to yourself that everyone keeps mentioning, spend the first half of the weekend thinking about what you really want, what will make you happy, what is best for you, and of course what's best for your son. Spend the second half (or the last night or whatever) making a list of everything you want to talk to him about, and keep it with you. If he tries to twist things or make you feel bad or go off topic about something else, DON'T LET HIM! stick to your list of things you want to talk about, and remember that you are too good of a person to let someone make you feel bad about yourself. Just stay strong and remember that nothing can get better unless you get EVERYTHING out. We're here for you sweetheart

[~SaBrInA_lEiGh~]

thanks so much guys.... well... he called today and gina has his number blocked for the weekend so i wont even know he called but he left a message.. well gina told me it was ok to call him back if he made the effort so i did and he was all sad cause we havent really talked lately cause ive been avoiding him... i basically told him im just busy and i never have time anymore so i dont know e was upset but not in a mean way just almost like hurt i told him i wont be able to talk much this weekend id call him when i finished what i had to do but other then that im going to enjoy myself he asked what i ment and i said well talk later ginas getting another call he said ok then can you just call before you go to bed so when we were at liz house it was like 930 and martin and amy are usually in bed by 10 so i called to say goodnight he asked if i was going to bed i told him no i just didnt want to not call like i said i would he said ok and he loved me i told him "love ya too" not what i usually say at all and he started to say something and stopped i waited a few seconds and said goodbye and he said he missed me... it sounded like he was crying... he has a tendency that wen ever i g to leave him when ever i get the strength to walk away to do cry and i just dont know anymore when the tears are true or when its just to get me to stay but i havent even told him anything and hes alreadydoing it and the email i got the other day was just weird and unexpected too.... he didnt say anything but this...."baby, im sorry ive been a asshole through most of our marraige, i love you and i want to work it out...pappa" it was out of nowhere... i thought it would mean i would count again but i havent started feeling that way yet and tonight when i called to say goodnight he was online playing games and he told the dude sorry he had an important phone call to take and quit in the middle of the match witch he never des the house could be on fire and he still wouldnt quit it messes up his stats... i dont know what to think right now usually when i speack up it goes good for a day or two but goes back to shit again BUT now i havent even said anything and it seems like hes putting effort but im one who overanalizes things and i think that im just hoping they get better but cant bring myself to admit there not so i always believe this time its going to stay good but i havent even told him yet....??? i dont know all i know is that im going to see my mom this weekend who i stopped seeing because he asked me to and i called my sister tonight who i stopped talking to cause she told me him or her and i dont think that you should ever give people that altemadome and he said i shouldnt talk to her anymore cause all she ever did was tell me im going to fail at this.... well before tim got back from school since i was like 7 my sister was my best friend and i called he and we both cryed and laughed and decided no matter what we will always be there for each other and never say i told you so... but the point being hes acting funny not just tim funny but funny unusual, like hes off and a little lost... i dont know what made that happen but i dont want to get sucked into it just to coward inside and become invisible again in a day or week or month or ever again... i really need this weekend so if im not around much forgive me but this weekend i need to figure out my head and heart!!!!!!!.... thank you girls so much so so much

kathryn thank you... im glad to know that lexie is ok with how you guys work it makes it not so scary

am- im trying to take my own advice but you of all people know how hard that can be

Cort- thank you for your prayers

Lisa- i need to remember that and not let him walk all over me i think ill have to bring my list with me...lol

[Lisa]

Seriously you should!

and if it turns out that he is being sincere right now and he does want to make everything not only work but make everything better... you should use this time to take the upper hand and explain to him like "this is how its gonna work from now on..." and let him know if he starts making you feel bad about yourself again or talking down to you that you'll walk, because you know you can do it. Just tell him you're not putting up with it anymore and you're going to be happy with or without him! & either way you know we'll be here for you!

[Lana]

I agree with the other girls. And maybe you should just breathe, enjoy yourself...maybe have a girls night and get massages and do your nails and all that stuff... and just NOT worry about him. Enjoy who YOU are and what you can do. Don't even think about yourself in relation to him because he doesn't make you who you are. You have to love yourself, that's a very important part of it. So take the time you need. Even if you feel guilty that he's suddenly being nice - just remind yourself that it's for the best for both of you and not just you.